I have just pulled the very last 3 oz. bag of frozen donor milk out of the deep freeze for Jackson. Our goal was to give him mother's milk until he was 1, and his birthday is next Friday (can you believe that ish? where did the time go?).
I really didn't think I would feel such a flood of emotions like I do right now. My heart is heavy with the knowledge that my baby boy will soon no longer be viewed as an "infant" but as a "toddler". I feel like I have to grieve for the passing of his babyhood. I feel like I have to let go of it, and it's sad and painful.
He has already had his 1 year checkup, at our new pediatrician. We switched to Homefirst (the pro-breastfeeding, anti-vax, pro-homebirth wacky zany ultra natural family living practice) and as I told the doctor all of Jackson's health challenges he just looked at The Moose in disbelief and said repeatedly, "This baby?" Like he couldn't imagine my healthy, hearty little Moose ever being small or frail or ill.
Oh, but I remember it. I remember it well. I remember every freaking heartbreaking moment of the first three months of his life that were stolen from us. I feel the anger rising in me afresh. I feel like I got ripped off. I want three happy, cuddly months of newborn bliss back! Instead I got three months of hospital stays and a baby who couldn't stop crying because he was in such severe pain, and doctors telling me how my baby wasn't sick until a test finally showed he was ill with a life threatening condition which required immediate surgical intervention.
I got such the bum deal on the babymoon.
My last bag of milk sits defrosting on my counter, and as it slowly transforms from ice back to liquid I feel Jackson's babyhood melting away...
...my heart hurts.
Friday, September 21, 2007
I didn't think it would effect me this way
felicia Friday, September 21, 2007
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5 Responses:
It's a tough transition knowing that our babies are babies no longer, but toddlers. I've gone through it twice now with both my babies and I'm still not used to it. Ok, I guess they are toddlers at 2 1/2 years & 16 months, but I will always call them my babies no matter what!
I understand the feeling of being ripped off at the beginning of your baby's life. It is gut-wrenching, maddening, heartbreaking, depressing, and nauseating for me to think about how I was not only robbed of my last two months of pregnancy with my daughter, but even worse, she was robbed of her last two months of being safely protected in her mommy's womb. And after all that trauma of being born 2 months early, she spent a month away from me and out of my arms in the cold, foreign, drug-happy NICU, and another month hooked up 24/7 at home to a heartrate/breathing monitor that I could not disconnect her from.
I feel your pain and it does suck. I feel like I got ripped off from having two beautiful homebirths that ended up as emergency, life threatening hospital nightmares. The pain is still fresh for me too, as if it were yesterday. I think about it everyday. The only solace I have is when I look at my babies and sigh with relief that they are here and they are alive. Then I have to let it all go and thank God for them (and hope the yucky feelings don't surface again).
We go to Homefirst too. I was just there yesterday as a matter of fact and going back again next week for the babies' checkups! Woo hoo!
BTW, which Homefirst office do you go to? We go to Rolling Meadows. We've seen most of the doctors and they are fabulous.
We go to the small satellite office here in Naperville. We saw Dr. Shattauer (sp?) and he was very nice, I really liked him. He really validated my parenting choices, which felt good - as opposed to me having to explain everything to our old doc.
I completely understand too! Babyhood passes so so fast. And recovery from birth and all the trauma that can go with it, and the health issues......it's a lot to process. I am still processing Gracie's birth and she's 3 and a half!!!
You know what can help? Have another baby! LOL. Seriously though, Ian's birth and babyhood was such a healing experience for me, I knew what I was doing, I was confident in my decisions and I had surrounded myself with supportive people. It makes such a difference!
I cannot believe he's going to be one. The time flies so fast......
I wish we had a homefirst type practice out here. I've really struggled with finding anyone I am 100 percent comfortable with,someone who won't push vaccinations and who I know is foreskin friendly and is on our insurance. It's a challange finding non-mainstream care. I'm so glad you have a good practice to see there!
WOW--can't believe he's gonna be one!! He's just going to be more fun so don't be too sad--though I completely understand--my Jack is 17 months and I am feeling the need for another baby around here!!
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