Jackson has loved music ever since before he was born. When he fusses, nothing soothes him more than a good tune. So this morning while he was throwing a little temper tantrum for no reason, I plugged in my mp3 player and sang along. And hormonal me got all choked up singing the chorus of "I'll Be There For You" to my son:
I'll be there for you
These five words I swear to you
When you breathe,
I wanna be the air for you
I'll be there for you
I'd live and I'd die for you
Steal sun from the sky for you
Words can't say what love can do
I'll be there for you
But I don't think it's just the hormones, or that Jon Bon Jovi is a particularly touching songwriter. I think it's because when I look at my son, I love him so much my heart nearly breaks. And then I try to reconcile these feelings with my own childhood experience, and it doesn't make sense. It doesn't add up.
Why didn't my own mother love me as much as I love Jack? (I tearfully asked my husband this over dinner Sunday night. He said, "Because she's crazy". I think he's onto something.)
There is nothing on this earth that I wouldn't do for my son. My love for him is fierce and loyal. It's the truest thing I've ever known.
But my mom...my mom was different. My mom told me I was stupid, fat and ugly (and I believed her for a very long time!). My mother told me she wished I was never born, and that I ruined her life. (And though I thought MANY times that maybe she shouldn't have spread her legs, I never voiced it. But oh, how I wish I had!) My mother screamed at me with a violent temper. She beat me, smacked me, punched me, yanked my hair and flung me to the floor. She did all this behind closed doors, then put on her nice Sunday School Teacher Face and was a complete hypocrite in front of everyone else, but that is another story entirely.
And then I hold Jackson, and gaze down into his eyes, into his perfectly pure, sweet little soul. And all I ever want to do is to love him and protect him and always make his world and his life the best I can. I can't imagine ever hurting him like my mother hurt me. I can't comprehend that.
I have to admit that trying to reconcile my childhood and my mother's feelings about me has been the hardest part, mentally, about being a mother. When I hold my son, I love him so much my heart almost explodes. Then I think about how my mother did not love or want me and I just can't understand it. I can't fathom ever treating my son the way my brothers and I were treated. It just doesn't make sense to me. Babies are the most precious miracles on earth, how can you not love them? I don't understand her. It's been so hard for me, because I kind of thought that maybe when I was a mother myself that I would understand her better.
I was wrong. The only thing I understand is that I will never understand her.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
About Bon Jovi, and trying to understand my mother
felicia Tuesday, November 07, 2006
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5 Responses:
The only explanation, is that she is crazy, there is no reason to not love and protect your child at any cost.
I am sorry you had a bad mom. There is no excuse for the way you were raised.
There is a silver lining, Jack will never feel what you did growing up and that is a blessing, because you will not keep the cycle going.
love ya
I don't think you can understand your mom. It sounds to me like she has deep dark issues, and probably a very dark past as well. It's so horrible that she couldn't see her problems and get help. You are worth that, regardless of her lack recognition of it.
I am so proud of you breaking the cycle. It is a very hard thing to do.
I have been shocked by the issues my own motherhood has raised in my
life and how it affects how I view my mother, and mothering in general. I am determined to learn from the past and create a better reality for my kids. And I didn't have it nearly as bad as you did.
Thanks for sharing though and keeping it real. These are the things no one tells you about before you have kids. Motherhood is such a wild journey, isn't it?
I understand to some extent what you're going through. My issues with my mom aren't quite as extreme, though now I'm stuck with a most wonderful eating disorder. I've found that being a parent is quite healing. I can do with Adri all the things I wish my mom had done, or said. I can be to her everything I needed my mom to be to me and wasn't. Don't waste your time trying to understand why your mom was the way she was. Just focus on being to Jackson everything you needed.
Nobody is addressing the big issue, the mental picture in my head of you crying and belting out Bon Jovi.
Paul Simon did it to me when Andrew was little and the hormones were going. Even now "Loves Me Like A Rock" will set me off.
I just don't think it is possible for you to understand your mother. Some people just aren't capable of getting the help that they need, or seeing that they have a problem.
Breaking the cycle is huge, Alice is right, it's hard. You are amazing and Jackson is so very lucky to have you as his mother.
I am fortunate. For all of our fights during my teenage years, I have a really great mom. Being a mom has made me appreciate how hard it must have been for her after my dad left. Not that I don't have issues and baggage, but that is for another blog.
Hello My Love,
I think that you have come a very long way in your journey and JAck was a gift placed on that path for you at just the right time. You heart will always ache when you think of the "old days" and probably your mother's does too. Usually those that abuse are so screwed up that the guilt and horror of what they have ar are doing is being channeled into exactly what they don't want and the child pays for it. It's a viscious and unbreakable cycle unless they get help. I know you have gone through so much to learn how to deal and I am soooooo proud of you.
I love watchng you with Jack. You are so natural and you just breath love for him. I found a quote once that was able to encompass this sentiment that went something like this (I sound like I'm about to "sing a little song for ya-all!"), "A mother's love makes one's heart too large for one's body." Wow... Doesn't that just about come close? :) Sometimes I can't breath.
And, sadly, those moments become less as they get a bit older. When thery are tiny, they sleep a lot and are so dependant on you and you have many moments to reflect and "fill up". When they get a bt older (Mike is 9!) your time with them is pure interaction and direction and not too much quite/snuggle time. But at night, when that great big boy is really asleep, I pick him up and rock him back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and as I rock him I sing "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be" (That is from memory from an AWESOME book that makes me cry all the time "I'll love you forever")
Anyway, this is getting long and it's not my blog so let me sum it all up; #1 You are an awesome mother and your intentionality will assure that you will not follow in your mother's steps. You were born to be a mother -who knew? You're AWESOME at it and I fill with love and pride when I am with you and your BEAUTIFUL boy. #2 You reationship with Jack will change and you must, must, MUST treasure every change and every moment. Well, I don't think you really need help here. I don't think you could help BUT treasure your priceless little man.
I love you Fish-Friend!
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