It's Lump

Lately I've been singing my own bastardized version of POT USA's "Lump" in my head. It goes like this:

It's lump
It's lump
It's lump
It's in my breast
It's lump
It's lump
It's lump
I'm mighty stressed

Anyways, all jokes aside it has been a nightmare trying to find out what my mystery lump is. On Monday morning, I called my OB/Gyn and got in right away. She palpated around in there and sent me with a lab order for an ultrasound. I called to schedule the ultrasound and was told I could only have an ultrasound if I had a mammogram first. So then I called my doctor back and left a message with the nurses that I needed new orders drawn up to include the mammo. And I waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Until about 20 hours later, I called and went T-Rex on their voicemail asking why I hadn't been called back, explaining that I could not live not knowing what this lump was that I needed a return call back immediately. I was nice about it, but I was firmly aggressive. Hey, a girl's got to do what a girl's got to do.

So they called me back and then they set up the new order including the mammo and ultrasound. I then called scheduling back to book my exams and I was told their next available was...

...August 28th!

AW HALE NO!

I responded that I could not possibly wait that long, that this was not a regular scheduled mammo, it was due to a suspicious lump, that I have had masses removed before and that my maternal grandmother passed of breast cancer so I absolutely positively could NOT be asked to wait that long to have my tests done. She said that was the first available, they could only book me then and I said that was unacceptable. I was near tears when she finally said she would ask the radiologists if they could fit me into the schedule sooner and she would call me back later. That was late yesterday afternoon.

So early afternoon today, she finally called back and said they could "squeeze me in" (mental image: squeezed pancake boob + this verbiage = me cracking up over the phone to hospital person and her not getting why it was funny) tomorrow at 8:30. I need to be at the hospital, an hour's drive from here at 8 am. I am actively recruiting a sitter for The Moose if anyone is interested. I will have my mammo at 8:30 and my ultrasound at 10:30 and hopefully be on my way home by 11:30 to sit and wait on pins and needles and needles and pins until the radiologist's reports are complete.

In other news, this morning after dropping Tim off at the train station I decided I'd swing through the Dunkin' drive through for a small iced. After picking that up, I remembered that I needed to have some blood work drawn at the hospital (routine diabetes stuff, nothing exciting) so I determined I'd have my coffee at the ready for after my fasting blood work was drawn. So I headed downtown towards the hospital, and on my way there I ended up at a traffic light right next to my next door neighbor from the house I grew up in.

We loved them. Mark and Debbie were like surrogate parents to my brothers and I. We used to joke that we wanted to knock down the fence between our two houses and build an addition to merge our two houses together, and then we'd all live as one big family in one big long, house.

So there I am next to Mark's minivan and I honked and waved like a crazy lady. He gave me a half-assed wave and I could tell he didn't recognize me. I called my mother and asked if they moved down by me, or if she knew what they were doing here. Her answer was sobering.

Debbie has been having heart problems, and she was at the Heart Hospital for some tests. I thought maybe she had some arterial plaque and needed a stent or something minor. Oh, no. She had a pacemaker put in. She's about 50. The pacemaker wasn't working and things were getting dire. The Heart Hospital was attached to where I was going to get my labs, so after I went to the lab I found out what room Debbie was in and Jax and I went up to see her.

She only has 25% heart function right now, and she only has that because of the drugs she's on. Today she was put on the donor list, and they are hopeful that a donor heart will come through for her very soon. She will soon be transferred to the University of Chicago Medical Center downtown, where they will hopefully do a transplant.

She looked so frail. So tired. So pale. She said she didn't want a transplant, and that she was "just tired, and tired of being sick." I felt like she was telling me that she had already given up. I held her hand for an arterial blood gas draw, and I prayed with her and left, we're heading back in a little bit.

My heart hurts, and my mind is swirling with perspective and grief.

The lump has moved from my breast, to my throat.