What a journey the past two weeks have been. I've learned so much. I'm so grateful.
We decided to still continue on trying on churches to see if another one fit us better. I just wasn't feeling the Pentecostal thing.
We've been trying out this new "community church" that meets at the local high school. This is nice for us, because the high school is literally at the end of our street.
Church in a high school is odd. For one, it's really crowded. People like to mill around and chat, and it's like a traffic jam getting to the nursery. I really don't care for crowds, so that knocked off some popularity points right off the bat. Then the second Sunday we visited them, they moved the nursery to another wing of the building. I'm not a big fan of getting lost, so more negativity was festering once we finally sat down for the service.
They started out the service with some praise and worship, and then the served communion before the message.
I'm probably the only person in the world who likes them, but my favoritest band in the whole wide world is a Christian one called Jars of Clay. And as the ushers began dismissing us row by row to go take communion, one of my most beloved Jars songs began to play...
Somehow it all ends up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves
more deeply than the oceans,
more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone
Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe
In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me?
All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
And as I sat and pondered everything the previous week held, it hit me. I needed a shakedown. I needed to be brought to my knees so forcefully and so helplessly that the only answer was God. It's so easy to get caught up in the day to day. So, so easy.
I was already broken, I just needed to surrender. I was trying so hard to not be terrified and to lean on my faith but it was so hard. It was then that I prayed, "Okay. I hear You. Whatever you want to happen, make it happen. If I need to be sick and maybe say goodbye to my husband and my son and You are taking everything away, that's okay. You can have it. It's all Yours anyway. Take it. Take my world apart."
And then I proceeded to live the longest week ever, as I waited for my test results to come in. I just got off the phone with my doctor's office. Everything shows "normal", but I am to monitor my lump and report any changes and if it's still there in two months we will do a needle biopsy.
Strangely, I have found peace with this lack of a diagnosis. It's not mine to worry about anymore.
4 Responses:
Wow. Awesome.
I am so glad you got the results you did, I am sure you are relieved, but will still monitor it.
love ya
Wow, Jars of Clay!!! Reminds me of my college days! Now I'm all nostalgic. Jars of Clay came and did a concert in our chapel and my friend and I stayed way late after the show so we could catch them on their way out and get pics with them. We were just a *little* obsessed. And no, I wouldn't call it stalking them, would you?? ;)
I can't believe you mentioned "Worlds Apart." For all the hits and popular songs on that classic first CD of theirs (which will forever be a part of my collection of favorite CDs), Worlds Apart will always be my favorite.
The highest and lowest points of my life occurred during my Freshman year of college. I printed the lyrics out and put them up in my dorm room right over my bed so I could read them over and over again. That song broke me in ways I can't even begin to describe, and I have read those lyrics literally hundreds of times. And I *so* needed to read them again. THANK YOU.
There is power in those words, isn't there? And there is hope in the One those lyrics point us toward as we fall on our face before God, broken and in total surrender.
I'm praying for you in your current situation. Thank God you have peace about it. You're right. It isn't yours to worry about anymore. It's amazing what God teaches us when He takes our world apart. Amazingly, those are the times we cling to Him the most. Hang in there...with white knuckles, if you have to! Cling to Him...
Blessings,
Suzi
LoL. I LOVE Jars of Clay. The people I went to middle school with thought I was insane...
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