No Gnus is Good Gnus

Well, I'm back from my mammo and ultrasound. It all went uneventfully. The radiologist and sonographer didn't say they saw anything, so that's either very good or very, very bad. The sonographer said she was thinking swollen lymph node or a little clogged duct. Yay!

In case you're curious about what happens when you have a mammogram done, here is everything you need to know:

1) You cannot wear deodorant or perfume. Also, no stripper glitter if you are an Exotic Entertainer.

2) You must fill out a very detailed history of your maternal and paternal family legacy of cancer. Good times.

3) You're lead to an inner sanctum waiting area with a little changing room for you to disrobe from the waist up. You get one of those high fashion hospital "gowns". Put it on with the opening in front.

4) Then you wait in the inner sanctum waiting room.

5) They call your name and you are lead to the room with The Breast Vice 2000, aka The Squisher. The Squisher is your friend.

6) Ditch your modesty at the door people, because now it's time to release the puppies.

7) Your technician will then apply some sticky BB's to your nipples. They're like undersized pasties with a pinhead sized metal ball in the center. They show up on the image, they are used as markers on the film.

8) On The Squisher, there is a bottom tray (where the film goes in) and a top tray. The bottom tray moves up and down to adjust for your height. Once your Girl is situated on the bottom tray, the top tray adjusts downward to compress. The compression is uncomfortable. I will not lie to you. But it lasts a maximum of 10 seconds, while you hold your breath (so you don't move and blur the image) and the technician hides behind a lead curtain (while your brain is 6" away from the source of radiation - someone explain that to me?) while the image is zapped. Repeat on opposite titoni.

9) Then they adjust The Squisher to repeat the compression from a side view. This is just as uncomfortable as the first time. It never hurts any less. Then you switch sides and do the other lady lump's side view.

10) Put yer top back on. You're done.

My technician came in, started asking me questions about The Lump and then said "Oh I need more films" and left me all alone. To freak out. Thinking about nothing else but The Lump.

I panicked and I prayed and I cried and I told God I was so scared. That I needed Him. That I needed Him to comfort me. That I needed Him to show me He was there right with me in that room at that very second.

I opened my eyes, and right where my view lay on the wall, there was a small gold statuette of this:


Christ The Healer.

I look behind me and You're there, then up ahead and You're there too.

I will get a Radiologist's report in 3 to 5 business days, but until then I am okay.

I am okay, because Christ The Healer is here.