That John Mayer, he may be on to something...

"Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations"

So says John Mayer's song, "Say", which I am totally downloading onto my mp3 player later today. At different moments in time, there have been songs in the background that mark those moments as aural memories. "Say" is one of them, and yesterday I got to say what I needed to say.

You probably remember last Easter, when I made a decision in church and blogged about it. I decided to try, as best I could, to extend my mother the same grace and forgiveness that God gives us. This hasn't been easy, my friends! In the back of my head, I always thought that there would come a day, that despite my forgiving her (without her asking), that I would need to confront her about all the things that had fed my bitterness against her for so many years. There would be a day of reckoning, I told myself.

"Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you'd be better off instead
If you could only
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say"

And slowly as days melted into months, my desire for a full-on confrontation waned. I decided that she didn't have to answer to me, she had to answer to God. Answering to me was petty compared to that.

And then Yesterday happened. It started like a hundred normal days before it, I went grocery shopping and was on my way home when she called. The conversation evolved and before I knew it, we had reached a point where I could say it - say it all. And she invited me to do so. In a completely non-confrontational manner, the floodgates were opened and there was no turning back.

"Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again"

I would say "it was on like Donkey Kong", mostly because that phrase cracks me up - but honestly, it wasn't like that. It was just me, saying how I felt and it was just her, listening. I think that I owed it to myself to say it, and she owed it to me to listen. In the end, she admitted that everything I said was true, and in between sobs, asked me to forgive her. I said I've been working on it.

My heart feels a million times lighter this morning. Saying what I needed to say was healing and validating.

I can't believe that I'm the only one who has carried a heavy heart over many years without ever having the purifying soul purging necessary to clear the air and settle things. If you suffer from this too, I hope some day you also have a Divinely provided moment to gently but firmly, say what you need to say. And if you don't or can't, I welcome you to say what you need to say here - lay your burden down, once and for all.

"Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say"