My favorite season is Spring

Every time I am ever asked what my favorite season is, Winter or Summer, I always say Spring. Spring is my favorite season, I say, because everything gets a fresh start. The cold of Winter melts away and life rises again where once there was nothing but ice.

Last night, we attended one of our church's Easter services. Pastor Hybels (uh oh, now everybody knows I go to disco church!) brought a fantastic sermon about the true meaning of Easter.

Rebirth.

Freedom.

Boundless love.

Forgiveness.

A new life.

I was struck in the heart like never before. Have you ever sat in a several thousand seat auditorium and felt you were being personally addressed? It's somewhat unsettling.

To illustrate his point, Pastor had several doors assembled beside him, each one representing something different. One door represented the new identity we are offered through Christ. One represented freedom from our sinful burdens. One represented peace and eternal security of the soul after a Christian's death. And one represented the radical love and boundless forgiveness that has been bestowed upon us, for us to bestow upon others. After the sermon, Pastor Hybels invited us to approach the stage, and physically walk through the door we needed to. To find what we needed to, to grow how we needed to.

And I knew what I needed.

I don't forgive people. In the past, I have told myself that it was my freedom to cut people out of my life or hold a grudge. I haven't talked to my mother for the better part of five years. I have my reasons, and if I told you, you would probably tell me my decision is justified. You all read about my hurt after feeling betrayed by my friend who was consumed by her own issues. I don't forgive people, that's just how I roll.

But here's the thing I figured out last night. Instead of feeling free after cutting those people out of my life, my decision was nothing more than a burden. I've had a lot of hurt in my past and in an effort to protect my heart from more pain, I've done a really good job at isolating my heart. I'm not free. I'm not liberated. I'm burdened and bitter and angry. And for what? The choices that were supposed to give me peace only gave me grief.

The door that represented love and forgiveness looked like the Amish school in Pennsylvania. The one a shooter entered in September of 2006, and brutally murdered several little girls. The parents of those girls started a fund for the widow of the shooter and her kids. They attended the funeral of the murderer of their daughters, exhibiting amazing forgiveness.

At the end of the service, I still wasn't sold on actually approaching the stage to walk through a door frame. I mean, I could make the same decision in my heart right there in my seat and it would still be the same decision. We rose to gather Jackson from the nursery. Tim headed towards the exit, and I hesitated. Reading my cue and the tears in my eyes, my husband took my hand and led me towards the doors. We're approaching the doors and I'm thinking to myself, "Do I really want to do this? If I do this, I have to forgive EVERYBODY. Can I do that?"

And God said, "Can you not? Haven't you carried this burden long enough? Please, let me take that for you. It's too heavy, and you don't need to live like this anymore. Taking care of you is what I came here for."

We get closer to the door, and my heart is pounding. If I do this, things have to change. I have to change. It is going to be HARD. If I don't do this, I will forever regret it.

I pass through the door.

There was no magic in the door. There was no epiphany in the door. But walking through the door was symbolic just the same. I went through the door, there was no turning back.

After some text messaging with extended family last night, I cleared my throat.

My palms were sweaty, my heart raced.

I dialed.

It rang.

"Hello?" answered a vaguely familiar voice on the other end of the line.

I said, "Hi, Mom. Happy Easter."

There were tears and pleas for forgiveness. We both promised we'd try. There was a new beginning, a fresh start. New life emerged where before there was only ice.

I really do love Spring.