It's Thursday morning, and I've just showered and changed hospital gowns. Why do they call these 'gowns'? They aren't appropriate for wear to any formal event. (Or informal one, for that matter!)
Dr. Y came in around 6:30 this morning to take my Cervadil out and check my progress. I am still neither dilated nor effaced at all. The nurse just left my room, after hooking up a new bag of Pitocin in an effort to give that a second try.
I spent all night writhing in pain. I had contractions and back labor all night. It sucked so hard. When Dr. Y checked me this morning and said I had not progressed at all, I cried. All that for nothing. I have now been in the hospital for an entire day for NOTHING. I'm so frustrated. I feel like such a failure.
I wish I knew how long they're going to let me go to see if the Pitocin does anything today. I have just about abandoned all hope of having my desired non-medicated vaginal birth. And I don't care anymore. I give up. I quit. Cut me open, I don't care.
Just make it end now, please.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The score: Dr. Y - 0. Jackson - 2
felicia Thursday, September 28, 2006
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3 Responses:
They put you on the cervadil AND pit???? That's weird. I spent all night on the dilator (cytotec) and THEN they did the pit the next day. And even then my labor didn't get really going until about 1:30 that afternoon. Anyway, YOU, dearest, are NOT a failure--the meds are. Remember that the main goal in all of this is to get Jack here safely. Next time there's always a VBAC. And maybe by that time I'll be a certified doula and I'll come out and help you :-)
You are so not a failure Felicia. You are having medical problems and you are needing the baby to come a little sooner than your body was planning on. It's so not your fault. It is circumstances. I know it sucks, I have been there. But you are doing what is best for Jack, because you are a mother and you love him and you will do whatever it takes to keep him safe.
I'm so sorry. I know the frustration with hospitals, doctors, and your own body all too well. One way or the other you will be holding Jack soon though. Just focus on that. Put your energy into that. Allow yourself to find joy in that.
Man I wish I could give you a hug!
Ugh, stupid comment box, erased my thoughts.
Anyway, this is not your fault girly, this is circumstances. I know how you feel, I have been there and it sucks. Try to focus on seeing and holding and cuddling that adorable little baby soon. Put your energy into that thought. You will have him soon.
I wish I could give you a hug!
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