Let's talk about my frenemy. I've been friends with this girl for about 4 years. She knew me before my divorce from Dave and was around when I met Tim, when we got engaged, when we got married, and when we got pregnant. I used to color her hair for her, since a salon would have charged her an arm and a leg for the dye job she wanted. I used to just charge her my cost of supplies. We were both total cosmetic hounds and loved spending hours cruising the counters at Nordstrom and the aisles of Sephora. We both have fractured relationships with our immediate family, and bonded over that. We spent nearly every Saturday night either shooting pool at Dave & Busters or dancing on the bar at North Beach with our friends and dates. When we were close, we considered our friendship closer than being sisters.
Then I got pregnant. Shopping for makeup didn't appeal to me at all, I had bigger priorities in mind. I wanted to reduce my exposure to chemicals, so I couldn't do her hair anymore. I was pregnant, so I wasn't going to go to any bars or clubs where there was smoking. Every time I invited her out to dinner, or even to come over for dinner she declined because she is anorexic. I won't go where there's smoking and she's afraid of butter, so we never got together. I haven't seen her in over a year now.
When I got pregnant, she just stopped calling and stopped coming around. I kind of got the feeling that she was jealous of me and my newfound happiness. She would love to get married and have kids, but she has a lot of emotional self-improvement to do before she is a suitable mate or mother. And who knows if she will end up barren as a result of the damage she has done to her health because of her eating disorder. Ever since I met and married Tim, I have felt an undercurrent of envy coming from her. She would like to have what I have. She's made comments before about how lucky I am that I don't have to work and stuff like that. Coupon Chris sent me this, which pretty much sums it up:
She is the ONLY one of my friends who has not yet met my son. Jackson is 5 months old! This is no exaggeration - even my friend Samantha who lives in Guam has met the baby. SHE LIVES IN FREAKING GUAM! For her 30th birthday last year, I bought her a pricey handbag and matching wallet. I had previously bought one for myself on one of our shopping outings and she had mused aloud how she'd love to have one of her own. So for her big milestone birthday, I pulled out all the stops and got her a very expensive gift. Her entire family blew off her birthday, so Tim and I went to her house to surprise her with her gift and some birthday balloons (can't get the anorexic girl a cake!) for a mobile surprise party. For my birthday, I got...nothing. Granted, I didn't expect a $500 purse and the matching wallet to be matched tit for tat, but an email card would have been nice. Out of all the friends and family that I called, emailed or texted when we had to rush to the hospital for emergency surgery when Jackson was 10 weeks old, she is the ONLY one who didn't reply. All my other friends and family either called or came to visit us in Pediatric ICU. She also is the only friend who blew off my baby shower. She claims she never got her invite. Yeah, right. There's no way in hell it was addressed incorrectly, when she has been in the hospital for treatment for her eating disorder I sent her a little card or note EVERY SINGLE DAY. I know her address by heart. So I feel, rightfully so I believe, severely neglected by this "friend".
Every year for Christmas, I give myself one Gift of Liberation. December of 2005, my Gift of Liberation was allowing myself to quit my job that was making me crazy. Right after I quit, we got pregnant so it worked out great! The Gifts of Liberation tradition started about 5 years ago when I got a call from my psychotic mother on Christmas morning. I don't even remember what she was blathering about, but I told her I was done having a relationship with her because she was a toxic person and hung up. It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders! Last year, my Gift of Liberation to me from me was dumping an excess 83 pounds of anorexic friend. I called her and no surprise, she didn't even answer. So I left her a message telling her she was a sh*tty friend and I was done with her.
So now 2 months later, she emailed me begging for forgiveness. She says she's seeking treatment for her eating disorder again, and she needs my support because nobody is there for her anymore. (Big surprise, you jerk! You probably were an asshole to everyone else too!)
The Nice Girl in me wants to feel sorry for her. The Nice Girl in me wants to forgive her and be her best friend and help her get better. The Tough Girl in me wants to tell her to suck it deep. I mean seriously, f*ck her. My baby could have died and needed emergency surgery, and she couldn't call me back? What kind of jerk does that to their "friend" who is so important to them?
So I will allow you, Gentle Readers, to decide for me. Does having an eating disorder give you permission to mistreat people this badly, and make her behavior acceptable? Or can I hold her to the same standard of friendship I hold everyone else to and expect a healthy, reciprocating relationship? I am not afraid to give a lot of myself in any relationship. However, I expect the other party in the relationship to give back in return...is that too much to ask? To whom much is given, much is required. It's in the freaking Bible, man. You can't argue with that. Or...is there an eating disorder exemption that needs to be applied here?
You be the judge.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I can't decide, so I will take a poll. Shall I forgive her or forget her?
felicia Thursday, March 15, 2007
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3 Responses:
"You hurt me once, shame on you. You hurt me twice? Shame on me."
Dump the toxic bitch. I am almost 100000% positive that I know who you're talking about, too.
You deserve better than that in a friend, and she has proven that she doesn't value what you have offered.
Let her cry bitter tears of saddness into her fabulous handbag that probably weighs more than she does, totally smudging the 6 coats of mascara that she is partial to. :P
Buy bye.
I would have to say, dump the friendship. This coming from someone who hasn't met "the Moose" yet, but has heard him on the phone ;-) You don't need her toxicness (is that a word) around. I've been in the same situation and must say my life is better having cut her out of my life. Good luck, I know you will make the right decision.
What I'm wondering is, couldn't she at least call you instead of emailing you to beg for forgiveness? That sounds really lame and a cop out to me. I have had toxic relationships before and have had to cut them off because they were too stressful and draining on me. I was tired of giving everything and the other person just taking, taking, taking with no regard for me.
I understand people have issues and struggles. Maybe people have abandoned her. Maybe she is willing to change. But maybe she will have to find new people in her life to help her with that because she has burned too many bridges with you and others in her life in the past.
The fact that you are married and have a child also changes everything. I find that even my friends that mean the world to me before I got married began to grow more distant and then when I had kids, that kind of sealed the deal for them.
Life happens. People grow, change, get married, have kids, or stay single, go through terrible struggles and glorious triumphs. Friendships come and go and are in various seasons of our lives for a time and a reason. It's time to move on. Your husband and child are the most important relationships in the world to you now.
Now, whether to email your friend back or call her back with your decision, that's up to you.
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