To doula, or not to doula. That is the question.

So the lady that teaches our Bradley Method class is also a certified Doula. I've been considering using a doula for my birth for a few reasons. First of all, I don't have a Mom who can be there for support and coaching by my side. I watch all those Baby Story shows where the first time moms have their moms there to help them with jealousy in my heart. Secondly, Tim and I have no idea what we're doing with this whole childbirth thing. We've never done this before and frankly, we're askeered. Adding to our mounding anxiety is the fear of the unknown...if my diabetes adds in any complications requiring advanced medical interventions, how do you prepare for that? Having someone by our side who has 'been there and done that' a hundred times sure would be nice!

The cost for the doula is only $800. Tim thought it was $1500 for some reason after a quick scan of the contract. I think he was adding up the deposit plus installment payments plus the total cost that were all detailed in the contract. So it's not "that" much. Definately something we could swing if I decided I needed it. Cost isn't an issue.

The issue is Tim's hesitation. He wants Jackson's birth to be a special intimate family moment. I think he's watched Too Many 'Baby Story' episodes and he has this fantasy happy, warm and fuzzy idea of what Jack's birth will be like. I harbor no fantasies about anything being warm or fuzzy when it comes to giving birth. I pretty much know it's called "labor" because it's hard work and squeezing a human being out of a hole the size of a tampon is going to be rather painful. He thinks too many people = circus atmosphere. Now I don't want a clown on a unicycle juggling flaming hoops in the delivery room either...but that's totally not the goal of having a doula, anyways. Besides, the clown wig plus the open flames...that's a huge fire just waiting to go down.

I'm still up in the air about my OB. I'm going to beg & plead with them tomorrow to let me have either one of the doctors I like for my delivery. But I won't take Dr. Boob Check. I don't like him, I don't feel comfortable with him, and I don't want him to be my attending when I give birth. If they can't do that for me, I'm going to have to find another OB. Since I'm 30 weeks, it is going to be rather tight for me to find another doctor that I do love & trust enough to have them fly solo at the birth.

I feel so totally screwed right now. I don't know what do to, I don't know what I want except I know I DON'T want Dr. Boob Check delivering my baby. Maybe the clown on the unicycle isn't that bad an idea. I'd take the clown on the unicycle over Dr. Boob Check any day. *sigh*