I am so overwhelmed right now.
I'm fried.
I'm tired.
I'm sore.
I'm frustrated.
My milk still isn't here yet, Jack won't latch on, giving him formula breaks my heart because I want to give him the best of everything and I know breastmilk is so much better...
I'm pumping and get only drops. It makes me want to cry.
I feel like an incompetent mother. This messes with my brain in a way I can't even put into words. I freak out and think that maybe I'm just as bad a mother as my own mother was to me. And then I bawl my eyes out and have to tell myself that I'm not her. I'm not her, I'm not her, I'm not her.
I'm not her.
When Jack doesn't latch on, I have a hard time not taking it personally. It doesn't feel like he's rejecting my breast, he's rejecting me. It kills me inside.
Why doesn't my baby love me? I gave up everything for him.
My career.
My body.
My health.
Sushi and brie and good wine.
Everything.
And all I want is to give him the best of everything I can and...why won't he let me?
I can't stop crying.
My soul hurts.
If you pray, pray for me and if you pray for me, pray for milk. Everything, everything, EVERYTHING that I wanted for his birth and beyond I have had to give up. I can't give up breastfeeding. I just can't. It's like, the last bastion of being a good mom and doing it right that I have. I have had to give up on everything else that I wanted, planned for and worked for. I can't give this up too. It will kill me if I do.
So pray for milk. I feel so alone and I feel like God doesn't even pay attention to me anymore. I feel like He's left me stranded on an island of Hell to make it on my own. I need to know that's not true. I need to know He still sees me and cares and hears my cries.
This hurts so much I can't even tell you.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Welcome to Hell, Population: Me
felicia Thursday, October 05, 2006
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3 Responses:
Man oh man oh man.
Being a parent is so hard. You are doing an awesome job.
The milk will come Felicia. It always does. You have had so many obstacles so far and your body is just trying to figure out what is going on. And the same for little Jack. This is all new to both of you. But it will work. You have the determination that is necessary. Nature will catch up.
I already told you my story. It was so very hard with Gracie. But I refused to give up. I took time, I focused on motherhood, and when we were ready I made it happen.
Take time to enjoy Jack. Try to focus on healing, on loving him. You can fix the issues with latching and bottle-feeding when you are up to it. I had to give myself permission to use a bottle for 3 weeks so that I could recover both mentally and physically. When I was ready we did it.
Don't be so hard on yourself. You are not broken. Life is not perfect. Parenthood is not perfect. This is the first of many many many challanges. You will overcome it. And you will be a better person for it.
I'm praying for milk sweetie. It will come.
Call me when you feel up to it. God knows I have nothing better to do right now than talk on the phone!
Oh sweetie.
In the beginning, being a new mother can be so very hard. It can be completely demoralizing. Hang in there, it does get better. I know that sounds trite, but it is true.
I feel your pain. I know that I had many nights of thinking I was broken or that something was wrong with me because the nursing was not working and Andrew kept losing weight. We had to give him formula, and I felt like a failure. The feeling of rejection can be crushing.
You are not and will never be your mother. She would never have sacrificed the way you have, she would not have cared as much as you do. You are more amazing than you give yourself credit for.
Always remember that you have family and friends that love you. Jackson loves you more than you know, he is just new to all of this.
God loves you, I believe that everything has a purpose. I think that there is a reason that we have all reconnected recently.
Let me know if you need anything, even if it is just someone new to cry to. It is all going to be okay.
I am praying for you as well. I agree with Alice, give yourself permission to give your body some time to heal and get used to what it is supposed to do. When I had Bobby, I did everything I could to breastfeed and my body didn't ever produce milk. Bobby was a formula fed baby and even though I had some guilt about it, he was very healthy and is still healthy.
I truly believe that you need to take a step back and let your body heal and just enjoy your time with Jackson. Your body will figure out what it needs to do and for that to happen you need to relax, I know easier said than done.
You are a terrific person and a wonderful mother. YOU ARE NOT YOUR MOTHER!!! You have worked tremendously hard to get past all that your mom did to you. Concentrate on your future and not the past.
God loves you and we love you. He has not abandonded you. He has given you a wonderful baby who loves you with an unbelievable love which only gets better the older he gets.
I really wish you knew what a great person and mother you are. You gave up everything to give Jackson life and even though it took a toll on your body you are still trying to give him the best. Jackson cannot ask for a better mother, there is no one else perfect for him.
I know in time you will get this breast feeding figured out, until then please don't beat yourself up over this. You need to be spending your time just getting to know this new life that has come into your world.
As much as I am telling you to relax, I want you to know that I know it is easier said than done.
You are much loved by me and I only wish the best for you.
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